The Bookmark No. 49
on anger, action, and apathy
Hello my friends,
I hope it’s okay I call you friends. When I sit down to write these weekly musings, I usually have a topic in mind. But today, I feel as if there have been one too many Saturdays where we’ve gotten through another emotional, terrifying week. I wrote a bit about this in the Weekly Wrap Up, linked below, where I also left resources to donate to for common sense gun reform. Everytown For Gun Safety is where I’ve been donating.
Three words have been circulating in my brain this week: anger, action, apathy.
On anger, I’m exhausted and flabbergasted by the sheer audacity and hypocrisy exhibited by our elected officials. I watched a video of kids protesting at the Tennessee state capitol. Kids who should be in school, where they should be safe, were begging adults to do their job to keep them safe. A state trooper pushed and shoved these young people out of the way while a grown man cowered in fear behind him.
I wanted to throw my phone across the room (and did). It was infuriating to watch a cowardly man hide behind law enforcement. Did he ever stop to think about how those kids felt in school?
The anger has been overwhelming me. So, I turn to action.
On action, I’m fired up. I’m making calls, sharing graphics, venting to my friends. I’m donating, sending emails, having tough conversations in my DM’s and in comments with people who still refuse to accept that we have a huge problem in the United States. I scroll Twitter and see grown adults bullying David Hogg, a survivor of the Parkland shooting in 2018. I see videos of elected officials claiming that “bad people will always hurt people, there’s nothing we can do.” My heart seizes, my stomach turns, and I feel helpless, apathy taking over as they’d rather take away my bodily autonomy as a person with a uterus and TikTok.
On apathy, I’m so unbelievably scared. I’m sad and I’m scared and I’m tired. It’s not that I feel nothing, it’s that I’ve felt entirely too much and now I’m numb. I have so much privilege as a white cis woman. And yet, I feel like I’m floundering. I feel like I’m not doing enough but I know I need to take breaks to protect my mental health as well.
I’m scared, I’m heartbroken, and I’m numb to what the future is going to look like for my family, friends, and communities.
When I walk into my teaching jobs, I look around for the exits. I memorize what my students are wearing. I count how many steps it takes to get to the door so I can lock it.
When I’m onstage, looking out over an audience of 250+ people in a vast space, I just hope that we get through the whole show safely.
I don’t go to concerts. I hate big crowds. We don’t go to the movies. I always tell my parents I love them on the phone and give Nick an extra squeeze before he leaves in the morning.
I’m scared and I’m tired and I’m angry.
There are always books, and they are magic for a moment. For that, I am forever grateful. That’s just what’s been on my heart this week.
ICYMI on readandwright.com
What I’m Loving:
Sticky Tab Set—I’m back in my annotating era and I love it. Reading has become so much fun again.
Book Journal—I took a break from my journal but I am feeling so creative again!
What You’re Loving:
The Tavern Sweatshirt (inspired by Every Summer After)
I’d love to know who you’re loving following these days! I need a refresh of my feed.
Until next time,
Phoebe
