The Bookmark No. 46
On body image and opportunity
This week was equally great and a little challenging. When I was getting ready for my show one afternoon, I looked in the mirror and grew so frustrated: I didn’t like what I was seeing at all. Now, as someone who has to be “seen” as part of her living, these days can be really stressful. I had to leave the house, I had to feel in a good enough to put my costume on and be around people, I had to stand onstage in front of strangers and get through the show.
After the lockdown stage of the pandemic, I went through a phase were I didn’t know how to dress. I’ve always had a classic style, but suddenly I hated how everything laid on my body and how I looked. In the last year, I’ve had so much fun getting dressed and putting together outfits for different occasions.
I know I live life in a larger body. I have struggled my whole life with my relationship to food, rest, exercise and how those things determine my worth. ESPECIALLY because my profession means I spend some of my most vulnerable moments in front of other people.
But on this day in particular, I just kind of lost it. That feeling of struggling to make an outfit lay the way I wanted, my cheeks burning as I grew warm from exertion and frustration, going from running early to running late is one I know all too well. And it definitely happened on Tuesday. Luckily, I have some really great friends and co-workers who knew I wasn’t okay and took the time to give me a hug and assure me that they were there for me if I ever wanted to talk.
It’s a hard thing to talk about, because I never want to make people think I’m fishing for compliments, but I also know how damaging internalized fatphobic comments can be.
My least favorite “compliment” I receive is, “You inspire me so much! You’re so confident!”
But the thing is, I’m not confident. I’m simply myself and this is the body that I have. Yes, I could exercise more and not have ice cream or drink black coffee. But after being in this body for nearly three decades, I know that no matter what I do, I will always be a little bit softer and a little bit bigger than others.
I’ve come to peace with that knowledge, so while I’m not confident, I’m not going to hide. Since I’ve been fully immersed in Peter Pan lately, I think one quote perfectly encapsulates how I’ve been feeling:
To live would be an awfully big adventure.
I don’t have the perfect solutions for these moments, but I know everyone has moments like this. So whether you live in a bigger body, a smaller body, a body that frustrates you or lets you down, I hope you have people around you that can offer what you need in that moment.
Be it a hug, a laugh, a venmo for coffee, or a shoulder to cry on, I wish you people that get you and are there for you.
ICYMI on readandwright.com
What I’m Loving:
Under Bed Storage—I’ve been on storage kick recently and I’ve been loving keeping my out of season clothes in these, stored away nicely.
Rainbow Striped Maxi Dress—I got this for a trip to Charleston in April and I cannot wait to wear it!
Crossbody Bag—Nick gave this to me for Christmas and I’ve been using it nonstop since! It also fits a Kindle, so it’s reader approved.
What You’re Loving:
Have a great weekend and happy reading!
Until next time,
Phoebe
