The Bookmark No. 43
On the fear of regret, facing fears, and finding peace.
Ever since I was a little girl, I have been a dreamer. I was someone who saw the possibilities of life and knew that I wanted to challenge myself and do “big” things. When the pandemic happened and we had to leave New York City, it felt like my entire world came crashing down. How was I supposed to make all those big dreams come true outside of the greatest city in the world?
But then the pandemic continued. Life stayed close to home. And I got comfortable. It’s a funny thing, looking at where we were and where we are now; sometimes time feels like it moves so slowly and sometimes you blink and you’re nearing a new decade in your life.
Something I really struggle with, especially in the last three years, is feeling at peace. I’m often asked if we will ever move back to New York City, and I never want to say never. But right now, it’s not in the cards for us. That isn’t to say I don’t want to, it’s just that we were forced to make a decision during a really scary time.
I thought I had come to peace with the situation. I do really like my life and I’m grateful that I can still perform regionally. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that there will always be a part of me that wonders, “What if?”
Life is a series of choices and not all of those choices are easy. There are good days and there are bad days but there doesn’t have to be a “The Day.” The Day where you have it all figured out, The Day your heart is healed, The Day you wake up and you’re not sad anymore.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for The Day, which will never come.
As human beings, we’re blessed with the reality of thought. Our brains will constantly be working every day to make choices, reflect on choices, and dream.
While I have a deep fear of regret, I am not afraid of the future. All I can do is continue to fill my life with the pieces and people that make me feel 100% fulfilled. I don’t have it all figured out and I never expect to. It frustrates me because I feel like I’m a disappointment to a lot of people…mainly myself.
There’s the saying that “dreams change” but I don’t think that’s always true. My dreams never changed, but my reality did, making it a lot harder to achieve those dreams.
I wanted to write about this because I feel like when we read memoirs or biographies or even fiction about characters who are going through a crisis of self, there’s always an ending. Sometimes it’s happy and sometimes they’ve found a different resolution, but I don’t know what my ending is yet. I don’t know where these dreams are going to go, but I know that my life isn’t over.
And I’m not done dreaming yet.
ICYMI on readandwright.com
What I’m Loving:
Nespresso —I’m starting to crave iced coffee in the morning again because Winter has been dragging on. My nespresso is my favorite appliance right now!
Book Sleeve—I love my book sleeves and they’ve been getting a work out recently since I’ve been at rehearsal constantly.
Custom Make Up Bags—Another rehearsal staple! I keep one of these in my bag with essentials and It’s so nice to have everything in one place. Plus, they’re HUGE.
AirPods—Nick got me a new pair of AirPods for Christmas and I didn’t think the newer model would make such a difference, but I seriously love them so much. They’re more comfortable, the quality is impeccable and I’ve been using them nonstop to listen to audiobooks.
Clinique Smart Clinical Repair Wrinkle Correcting Serum—I am not one with an intense skincare routine, but I have been slowly adding things to my rotation. I’ve become a big fan of this! Just make sure you use it with daily sunscreen.
What You’re Loving:
Bath Tray—Whenever I share my bath time reading set up, everyone wants the tray!
Have a great weekend, my friends. Read something that makes you happy.
Until next time,
Phoebe
